Den kreative Burmarejse (3) - "Vejen til Mandalay" - om generalerne, folket og vittighederne - og den nye hovedstad i Burma

Når hver rismark drev af tåge, og det led mod solnedgang,
greb hun i sin lille banjo, og Kulla-lo-lo hun sang.
Kind mod kind vi sad og så på bugtens både, stavn ved stavn,
så den store hathi gøre som en tømmerlæmper gavn.
Stable teaktræ favn på favn, i den sjip-sjap-våde havn,
hvor der var så tavst, jeg næppe turde viske hendes navn.
Oh, den vej til Manadalay, fuld af flyvefisk i leg,
og hvor solen brød som torden frem bag Kinabugtens kaj!

På vores 10 dages rundtur til en række smukke og interessante seværdigheder i Burma, så vi ikke meget til det militær, som har dikteret landets liv i de sidste mange år, og altså blandt andet har ansvaret for Aung San Suu Kyis mangeårige husarrest. Og som  direkte - eller indirekte via korruption - tjener fedt på overskuddet fra Burmas store teaktræs fældnings og -eksportindustri - ikke mindst til Kina.

   Så på overfladen virkede landet og befolkningen på mange måder fredeligt og civilt - og mere frit end Kina, hvor vi så en del soldater i miltær-uniform rundt omkring.

   Og der er jo også - ifølge de danske og internationale medier - en åbning mod et friere styre på vej - foranlediget af de reformer som den tidligere general, men nu civile president Thein Sein har igangsat, herunder tilladelsen til at Aung San Suu Kyi fik hævet sin husarrest, og kunne deltage i et suppleringsvalg til parlamentet.

   Men vore lokale guide og reserverejseleder Zaw Zaw var bestemt ikke overbevist om at de åbninger mod et mere demokratisk og frit samfund, ville holde hvis generalernes magt for alvor blev anfægtet.

 

Nu var de seværdigheder vi oplevede jo også valgt ud fra den liste som var blevet tilbudt rejseselskabet af den statslige turistorganisation. Og i den liste indgik ikke et besøg i den af militæret relativt nyanlagte hovedstad Naypyidaw. Den er "still under construction", som Wikipedia fortæller. 

    Googler man billeder på nettet, så ville der ellers have været tilstrækkeligt med usædvanlige og groteske seværdigheder til at fylde mindst et par dage i programmet. Blandt andet en spritny tro kopi af den fantastiske  guldbeklædte Schwedagon Pagode som vi oplevede i den ægte udgave den første aften vi var i Rangoon. 

   Pagode-kopien i den nye hovedstad har fået navnet Uppatasanti Pagoden ("beskyttelse mod katastrofer"!!!!), og er 30 centimeter lavere end originalen:

Uppatasnati - kopi

Schwedagon - original

Naypyidaw ligger ca. 320 km nord for Rangoon - inde i landet, og er anlagt på et stykke uopdyrket "greenland". 

   Hovedstaden som adminstrativt centrum blev officielt flyttet fra Rangoon til sin nuværende placering af generalstyret i 2005. 

   Avisen India Today fortalte sidste sommer:

Like all dictators, Myanmar's Generals suffer from acute paranoia. The fear of popular protests forced the military regime to move the capital from Yangon (population 6 million) to Nay Pyi Taw (hardly any people at all) in 2005. The new capital, built with Chinese assistance is sprawling. The narrowest roads are eight lanes and the widest extend to 24 lines.

   The city's only residents are civil servants and military officials. All ministries and military installations are hidden away from the main road in forested areas.

   The Generals are as superstitious as they are paranoid. One of the reasons given for building a new capital was that every successful Burmese King in history had set up a new capital. The Generals also constructed a gold-plated copy of Yangon's famous pure gold Shwedagon pagoda in Nay Pyi Taw.

Flytningen 2005 skete i øvrigt under megen ståhej og ballade, fordi selv igangsætningen af byggeriet af vejanlæg, præsidentpaladser og regeringskontorer havde været holdt så hemmeligt for befolkningen at det kom bag på en stor del af embedsmændene at nu skulle de hu hej tvangsflyttes til en spøgelsesby som i øvrigt hverken var helt eller halvt færdig med hensyn til vand- og el-forsyning, infrastruktur,  indkøbsmuligheder, kloakering mv.

Filmen "The Lady" der fortalte om Aung San Suu Kyis historie frem til munkeoprøret 2007, fik i Danmark blandt andet dårlige anmeldelser fordi nogle anmeldere mente at det billede som filmen gav af generalerne var for karikeret og for sort hvidt: så stupide og onde kunne de da ikke være som filmen fremstillede dem, var argumentet.

   Min research de sidste par dage tyder på at det er det overhovedet ikke. Generalerne der har siddet på magten siden 1962 er lige så gale, tossede, overtroiske og stupide, som filmen fremstiller dem.

I bussen fik vi af vores to rejseleder fortalt mange absurd utrolige - tragikomiske - historier om genralernes (mis)regimente i landet. 

    Fx besluttede en general for nogle få år siden at indføre højrekørsel over hele landet med få dages varsel. Hvilket selvfølgelig medførte en kraftig forøgelse af antallet af trafikulykker, og som vi oplevede det at halvdelen af bilerne havde rattet i højre side, og halvdelen i venstre,

    En anden general indførte totalt forbud mod alle tohjulede motorkøretøjer i Rangoon fordi hans bilkortege  måtte holde tilbage og vente for en krydsende motorcykel-kortege med sønnen af en anden general i front.  Konsekvensen har været at trafikken i Rangoon kun består af biler, og alle de biler der nu fylder i stedet for de tohjulede køretøjer, får trafikken til at gå fuldstændig i hårdknude i timevis.

Pludselige, uforberedte og uvarslede erklæringer om at pengesedler med bestemte værdier nu var ugyldige og skulle erstattes med andre, har flere gange ført til folkelig uro.

For example, in May 1964, the 50 and 100 kyat notes were demonetized, while in November 1985 the 20, 50 and 100 notes were demonetized and replaced with new kyat notes in unusual denominations (25, 35, and 75). A similar process took place in September 1987 as well, but with a more severe nature: the government demonetized the 25, 35, and 75 kyat notes without warning, leaving 75% of the country’s currency of no value. As a result, a new series of notes (15, 45, and 90 denominations) was issued, but great economic unrest ensued.

Efter sigende har nogle af disse uvarslede udskiftninger af gamle sedler til nye sedler med andre værdier, været begrundet i at generalerne tror på talmagi, og at nogle værdier ifølge den tro er bedre end andre. 

   Det der udløste munke-oprøret i 2007 - også kaldet safran-revolutionen -  var en tilsvarende akut forværring af de økonomiske levevilkår for befolkningen, på grund af uvarslede bortfald af tilskud til brændstof til køretøjer. Wikipedia:

A series of anti-government protests started in Burma (also known as Myanmar) on 15 August 2007. The immediate cause of the protests was mainly the unannounced decision of the ruling junta, the State Peace and Development Council, to remove fuel subsidies, which caused the price of diesel and petrol to suddenly rise as much as 66%, and the price of compressed natural gas for buses to increase fivefold in less than a week.

Samtidig har befolkningen jo altså oplevet at generalerne har postet milliarder og atter milliarder i vej- og bygnings-anlæg i den nye hovedstad, hvor de - har de sikkert tænkt - ville have bedre kontrol over befolkningen end i den ustyrlige gamle hovedstad Rangoon.

   Oprøret og protesterne i 2007 havde præcis Swedagon-pagoden i Rangoon som sit både fysiske og symbolske centrum, og befolkning slog ring om den for at beskytte de fredeligt protesterende og demonstrerende munke mod militærets voldelige overgreb.

Og blandt den brede befolkning cirkulerer der en mængde såkaldt 'generaltvittigheder' - 'Junta Jokes' . Flere af dem blev genfortalt både af Zaw Zaw og af den danske rejseleder Gunnar.

   Mit problem er at jeg ikke kan huske sjove historier på en måde så jeg kan genfortælle dem. Så jeg søger på nettet med forskellige søgeordskombinationer, fx "junta jokes", eller "funny stories about the generals in Myanmar".

    En af de historier jeg fandt i flere udgaver, handler om tandlæger, og lyder som så:

- Hvorfor er der ingen tandlæger i Burma?

- Fordi det er forbudt at åbne munden i Burma!

Elller:

Par Par Lay went to India for the Dental treatment. Indian Dental Surgeon was quite surprised as Par Par Lay came all the way from Burma to India, just for a simple Dental treatment.
   Then he asked. “Don’t you have Dental Surgeons in Burma?”
   Par Par Lay replied, “Yes Sir, but they were unable to work as Burmese people are ordered not to open their mouth by the Military Government of Burma.”

Her en anden der gør grin med den dårlige el-forsyning:

Electricity is so scarce in Burma that one is not likely to get electric shock if one puts you finger inside a plughole. But don´t touch the junta´s newspaper! It´ss charged with hundreds of thousand of volts.

Og flere:

- Hvornår vil Burma få demokrati?

- Den 30. februar! 

Burmese Tatmadaw has announced that its new national symbol is the Condom, because it accurately reflects the government stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives us a sense of security while we’re actually being screwed!

Senior General Than Shwe and General Maung Aye were in a helicopter looking down Rangoon. Than Shwe said, “Maung Aye, if I throw two 1000 Kyat notes down, two people will be happy.”

   Not wanting to be outdone, Maung Aye said, “If I throw 200 of 10 Kyat notes, 200 people will be happy.”

   The pilot heard the conversation and said, “If I throw the two of you down, 50 million Burmese will be happy.”

The junta in Burma has created a new first-class postal stamp featuring its leaders. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes, which enraged the junta, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special junta commission presented the following findings about why the stamps were not sticking:

  1) The stamp is in perfect order.

  2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. 

  3) People are spitting on the wrong side. 

Du kan finde flere generalvittigheder på adressen: 

http://burmadigest.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/burmese-political-jokes-20090413draft.pdf

Her er en række forslag til at gøre generalerne til grin med practical jokes fra Burma Digest:

In Burmese, the military word, General, is called Bo Gyoke, which is pronounced Bo as in the beautiful Bo Derek, Gyoke as in the English word, joke. Since silly antics of the Burmese Bogyokes are laughable beyond compare,

   — such as insisting upon moving an entire capitol on the 11 minute of the 11 hour of the 11 day of the 11 month to a jungle hideout simply on the advice of an astrologer,

   — or the wedding of one’s own 70 year-old wife (without divorcing her) to a 35 year-old gigolo stud actor and then coming along for the honeymoon, (General Than Shwe actually did this)

   — and countless other funny, and funnier-still stories, it is only mete and proper that the Burmese word for Bo Gyoke be spelled as Bo Joke.

Og videre:

Dear Readers,

   We will be presenting to you in the weeks that follow — a series of Practical Jokes on our “Beloved” Burma Bo Jokes, our beloved Burmese Generals, in which we invite you to send in Your Own Ideas for which we shall credit you with authorship. Below we describe to you some tentative ideas which we will present week after week. If, however, we receive from you, our Readers, a good idea, then we shall give credence to you first and then later on resume our Series. Below now is the first of our Bo Joke Series.

   No. 1: Panty Power for the Phone Naint Downfall of the Generals”

   Behold, the overwhelming power of women over that of men whose minds are overblown with self-important arrogance. Men who think they are emperors with royal naypyidaw capitols and kingly titles and regalia. The higher they are, the lower they fall. Ergo, whenever these high and mighty kings meet with the garment of women, they will fall, for such is their belief.

Jeg fandt faktisk også en variant af den lange historie som Zaw Zaw fortalte i bussen allerede den første dag i Rangoon:

Recently, three very important government officials from Thailand, Korea, an d Burma had some important business and had to travel by train, accompanied by their PA’s (personal assistants). During the long trip, the Thai official got hungry and told his PA to bring out a couple of lobsters. They were so big that the plate could not fit both, and so the Thai very deftly picked up the extraneous lobster and flung it out of the window as if it was a piece of trash.

   “Why did you do that?” the Burmese official hungrily asked. The Thai nonchalantly replied, “Oh, in my country, lobsters are SO cheap and plentiful.” So the Burmese just had to rub his hungry stomach and sat silently, deep in thought. After all, food has become very expensive and meat is scarce in Burma. He felt so bad that the Thai had thrown away the lobster. But he did not dare complain or else it would be a loss of face, theikkhar kyaht.

   Not to be outdone, the Kore an snapped his fingers and his PA brought a very expensive, fancy-looking cell phone. After he finished his call, he casually flung it out the window like a cigarette butt. “WHY did you do that?” the Burmese official asked. The Korean replied, “Oh, cell phones are SO cheap and plentiful in my country.” Again, the Burmese official rubbed himself, this time in the face, because he felt like crying. After all, cell phones are expensive and hard to get in Burma, and the government has to be bribed heavily even to get an ordinary land-ine telephone.

   He again sat silently, deep in thought. How was he going to outdo the other two? National honor, Naingandaw Theikkhar, was at stake. He snapped his fingers and his PA brought him a cigarette, While smoking, he snapped again for a stiff drink, and again, the PA jumped into action and poured a Johnny Walker Black, unthinkably unaffordable for a typical Burmese citizen. Of course, he threw away the cigarette butt and the PA came to fetch the empty glass. There was no way he could throw away the whiskey. No way.

   Then Burmese assistant came to ask if there was anything, anything else that he could do for his boss.

   “No, there is nothing more. You have done your duty well;” said the official and his eyes suddenly gleamed as if he just had a bright idea. He grabbed his assistant by the back of his neck and threw HIM out of the window!

   Both the Thai and Korean sprang up, shocked, aghast, demanding to know: “WHY did you do that???” The Burmese official explained in a bored manner, “Assistants like these, are so cheap and plentiful. They are so willing. You can order them to do anything.

I Zaw Zaws version slutter historien med at burmeseren smider en general ud ad vinduet idet han siger: "Generals are so cheap and plentifull in our country,"

Dette er desværre ikke en joke, men virkelighed. Se her fotografier fra den for nyligt anlagte by: Naypyidaw, den nye hovedstad i et af verdens mest forarmede lande:

   

When the mist was on the rice-fields an' the sun was droppin' slow,
She'd git 'er little banjo an' she'd sing "Kulla-lo-lo!"
With 'er arm upon my shoulder an' 'er cheek agin' my cheek
We useter watch the steamers an' the hathis pilin' teak.
Elephints a-pilin' teak
In the sludgy, squdgy creek,
Where the silence 'ung that 'eavy you was 'arf afraid to speak!
On the road to Mandalay . . .

(fortsættelse følger)